I binged in secret for over twenty years. When I finally understood what was driving it, I stopped — and then went back to university to learn why it worked, so I could do this for other people.
Agi Power · Twenty years a binge eater, then out · BSc in Psychology in Practice · author of “Stop Binge Eating — Even If Nothing Else Worked”
My story
For over twenty years I lived a double life. On the outside I was the happy one — joking, making people laugh, up for anything, chasing the next idea. People envied my life, and from where they stood it was a full and exciting one.
None of them knew I binged. I did it in secret and hid it from everyone close to me — for years it was the part of my life nobody saw.
I was a secret night eater. When the day was behind me and there was no one left to perform for, I’d sit in front of the television and binge. In the last few years before I stopped, when I was at my lowest, my substance of choice was Jude’s salted caramel ice cream — even though I never really liked ice cream.
When the mini supermarket ran out, I’d order from a local pizza place on Uber Eats — I’d found out they sold the same ice cream. But only on delivery, and only if I ordered a pizza with it. So now I didn’t just make myself ill on ice cream; I had a pizza to chase it with too. The odd part is I never had a sweet tooth. I didn’t even order dessert when I ate out. But somehow I got addicted to sugar.
When I couldn’t get hold of it, I’d go looking for my next hit like an addict whose dealer had gone quiet. Around people I could control myself. At home alone, it was almost like another version of me showed up.
Where it started
Eating sugar and eating in secret was not all. I also grew up to be a volume eater.
I was brought up by people who believed slim children were a sign of poverty, so my family made sure us kids were always “well fed.” I still get queasy remembering the piles of meat and potatoes under heavy gravy, portions sized for a grown man, not a teenage girl.
I was a fussy eater, so dinner times were a nightmare. I battled and I rebelled, but the rule wasn’t up for discussion — you didn’t leave the table until your plate was clear. I loved the summer, because we ate in the garden and I could slip my food to the cats. But in the colder months the piles had to be eaten, and I don’t even remember when I stopped minding. By the time I was older, eating double portions was normal.
As I gained weight, I got obsessed with reading about nutrition. I knew a huge amount and still couldn’t change my own habits. I went from diet to diet, often from one extreme to another — fruit enzyme, Atkins, vegan, fasting, whatever was next. The first couple of weeks always went well. I’d lose weight, I’d feel great. Then I’d fall off the wagon, beat myself up about it, and somewhere in all that despair I’d binge on the exact foods I’d promised I’d never touch again.
The harder I tried to control my weight, the more confidence I lost.
The hidden cost
“It’s been amazing working with Agi. I was a binge eater for 34 years and nothing I tried worked. After just one session with Agi I finally gained full control over my food choices. It has completely changed my life.”
— Amy S., Programme ClientThe shame and the lack of self-esteem leaked into everything. I used to hate clothes shopping when I was bigger, especially if a friend came along. I was embarrassed about reaching for the largest sizes, when the shop stocked them at all. That was before larger sizes became normal.
I remember an ex who wanted to buy me a dress. He loved buying me gifts, and I was always happy with jewellery, but a dress? We went from shop to shop and I kept saying I didn’t like anything. He kept holding up dresses in a size 10 or 12. That was how he saw me. I know now how lovely it was, but at the time I couldn’t take it in at all. I was horrified. In the end I let him buy me boots, and I made sure they were expensive enough that he’d stop looking. Looking back it sounds ridiculous — being treated to lovely things by a partner is most women’s dream, and it’s mine now too. Back then I couldn’t see past my shame.
The lack of self-esteem showed up in my career too. I’ve always been ambitious and I had some real achievements — with the work I put in, that was always going to happen — but it all came with stress, social anxiety and a fear of failing. Whenever I went for a promotion, I didn’t believe I could deliver it. In my head, everyone else was better equipped. I know now what nonsense that was.
The turning point
I spent decades fighting and failing, in secret despair and shame, but I never stopped looking for something that would last. Then I understood what was actually going on. My binge eating wasn’t weakness or evidence that something was wrong with me. It was my brain’s ancient wiring doing its job. Once I saw that, dismissing a craving became second nature — something I’d never believed was possible.
Within weeks my mindset had shifted. The dark cloud over my head lifted, and I felt like I could do anything. At the time I was three stone overweight, and losing it was a major goal of mine. I thought all my troubles would go away if I had a slimmer body. As odd as it sounds, during this process the weight became secondary. I lost all of it, and it happened almost as a by-product — a natural result of what was changing inside me. The biggest changes were internal, and I gained things I never knew I was missing.
Stopping binge eating turned out to be a beginning, not an end. There was nothing left to hide, so the double life ended, and the isolation with it. Without the constant noise about food, I had room for people again, and I rebuilt the most important relationships in my life. The biggest one was with my father. I’d refused to see him for eight years — we had our history, and I didn’t think he deserved my time. But once I wasn’t bingeing, I found I’d become more compassionate, even towards people who’d hurt me. Going to see him was a massive change for me.
Below are a few photos of me, before and just after I stopped binge eating. This programme isn’t about weight loss, and not everyone who struggles with food obsession carries extra weight — but I’ve decided to include them anyway. When you see someone who’s beaten the thing you’re fighting, it’s easy to assume they’ve always had it easy. You don’t see that they’re just on the other side of the same struggle you’re in, or that they were probably once exactly where you are.
It is my wish that everybody gets to the liberation I’ve achieved, and I want to demonstrate that it’s possible. There’s limited evidence I could show you that I’ve been where you are — or worse — so photos felt like the most solid proof I have.
From lived experience to practice
What changed in me was big enough that I wanted to help other people get to the same place. So I went back to university to study psychology. I have a BSc in Psychology in Practice from the University of London. I have also written a book, Stop Binge Eating — Even If Nothing Else Worked. I also work with people one to one in my own practice.
All this gives me a rare set of skills and experience: lived experience, university knowledge of the human brain and psychology, and years of experience working with clients just like you and me. This combination is unusual in the field, and if you’ve tried other practitioners you might have come across gaps in their methods. I’m confident I can fill those gaps and show you that it wasn’t your fault those methods didn’t work, and why. And I’m confident my approach will show you things you haven’t seen before.
The taster is a real working session, not a sales call. It takes place on Zoom, it lasts for a full hour. Most people achieve clarity and start seeing changes after that one session.
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